MLSsien

In The Higher Tempo Press HQ, the ideas presented fit into two separate yet equally important groups: 10/10, top quality writing; and good puns. This is the latter.

(Credit to anyone who got that Law & Order reference)

What would it be like if Michael Essien, former Chelsea midfield hero, moved to MLS? I hear you ask, “but what club?” – every club, of course.

First, a look at Michael Essien. Obviously not the physically imposing player he was in his prime by his Technical attributes are still reasonable and his Mental attributes would be a welcome addition to most teams despite the below average Work Rate.

The season begins on 06/03/2016…

MLS Eastern Conference

Chicago Fire

Without Essien: 6^th in Eastern Conference

With Essien: 8^th in Eastern Conference

Essien stats: 29 appearances, 0 goals, 4 assists, 2 POM, 6.85 average rating, Vice-Captain

Columbus Crew SC

Without Essien: 3^rd in Eastern Conference

With Essien: 1^st in Eastern Conference, Eastern Conference Runner Up

Essien stats: 0(5) appearances, 0 goals, 0 assists, 0 POM, 6.87 average rating

D.C. United

Without Essien: 8^th in Eastern Conference

With Essien: 2^nd in Eastern Conference

Essien stats: 30 appearances, 2 goals, 5 assists, 4 POM, 6.74 average rating, Vice-Captain

Montreal Impact

Without Essien: 10^th in Eastern Conference

With Essien: 8^th in Eastern Conference

Essien stats: 19(2) appearances, 1 goal, 2 assists, 1 POM, 6.83 average rating

New England Revolution

Without Essien: 7^th in Eastern Conference

With Essien: 8^th in Eastern Conference

Essien stats: 25(6) appearances, 0 goals, 3 assists, 0 POM, 6.53 average rating

New York Red Bulls

Without Essien: 1^st in Eastern Conference

With Essien: 6^th in Eastern Conference, Eastern Conference Winner, MLS Cup Runner Up

Essien stats: 4 appearances, 0 goals, 0 assists, 0 POM, 6.90 average rating, waived on 09/04/16

New York City Football Club

Without Essien: 5^th in Eastern Conference

With Essien: 3^rd in Eastern Conference

Essien stats: 30(3) appearances, 0 goals, 4 assists, 1 POM, 6.83 average rating

Orlando City

Without Essien: 4^th in Eastern Conference, Eastern Conference Final Runner Up

With Essien: 6^th in Eastern Conference

Essien stats: 0(9) appearances, 0 goals, 0 assists, 0 POM, 6.53 average rating

Philadelphia Union

Without Essien: 9^th in Eastern Conference

With Essien: 3^rd in Eastern Conference

Essien stats: 3(1) appearances, 0 goals, 0 assists, 0 POM, 6.50 average rating, Captain

Toronto FC

Without Essien: 2^nd in Eastern Conference, Eastern Conference Final Winner, MLS Cup Runner Up

With Essien: 8^th in Eastern Conference

Essien stats: 16(9) appearances, 0 goals, 4 assists, 1 POM, 6.71 average rating

MLS Western Conference

Colorado Rapids

Without Essien: 8^th in Western Conference

With Essien: 6^th in Western Conference, Western Conference Runner Up

Essien stats: 34(1) appearances, 0 goals, 9 assists, 0 POM, 6.80 average rating, Vice-Captain

FC Dallas

Without Essien: 6^th in Western Conference

With Essien: 3^rd in Western Conference

Essien stats: 15(7) appearances, 0 goals, 5 assists, 1 POM, 6.74 average rating, Vice-Captain

Houston Dynamo

Without Essien: 5^th in Western Conference

With Essien: 7^th in Western Conference

Essien stats: 0(2) appearances, 0 goals, 0 assists, 0 POM, 6.50 average rating, Vice-Captain

LA Galaxy

Without Essien: 3^rd in Western Conference

With Essien: 4^th in Western Conference

Essien stats: 8(6) appearances, 0 goals, 1 assist, 0 POM, 6.47 average rating

Portland Timbers

Without Essien: 4^th in Western Conference

With Essien: 1^st in Western Conference, Western Conference Runner Up

Essien stats: 0 appearances, Vice-Captain

Real Salt Lake

Without Essien: 9^th in Western Conference

With Essien: 6^th in Western Conference

Essien stats: 25(4) appearances, 1 goal, 7 assists, 2 POM, 6.60 average rating

San Jose Earthquakes

Without Essien: 10^th in Western Conference

With Essien: 10^th in Western Conference

Essien stats: 19(6) appearances, 0 goals, 1 assist, 1 POM, 6.73 average rating, Vice-Captain

Seattle Sounders FC

Without Essien: 1^st in Western Conference, Western Conference Final Runner Up

With Essien: 2^nd in Western Conference, Western Conference Runner Up

Essien stats: 0 appearances, waived on 03/03/2016

Sporting Kansas City

Without Essien: 2^nd in Western Conference, Western Conference Final Winner, MLS Cup Winner

With Essien: 7^th in Western Conference

Essien stats: 21(5) appearances, 1 goal, 6 assists, 0 POM, 6.72 average rating

Vancouver Whitecaps FC

Without Essien: 7^th in Western Conference

With Essien: 5^th in Western Conference

Essien stats: 33(2) appearances, 1 goal, 6 assists, 2 POM, 6.84 average rating, Captain

 

So in summary, 10 out of 20 clubs improved their position after signing Michael Essien. He  was Vice-Captain of 7 teams and Captain of a further 3 teams, sadly being waived by two teams. I think it’s fair to say from this intellectual experiment that a MLS move for Michael Essien would neither be a disaster nor perfection but certainly fulfils the desire for a terrible pun 🙂